Diner 413

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▲: dave?
▼: sup egbert
▲: uhh, were you the one i was talking about anime with?
▲: sorry, all my windows decided to refresh...
▼: yeah i was just getting on your case about shitty yaoi shit
▲: it's not shitty!
▼: it is for japanese schoolgirls
▼: it is bound to be shitty
▲: it's not like i was watching boku no pico again...
▲: ...
▲: oh shit...
▼: what
▼: egbert thats just gross seriously
▼: thats shit about little boys do you like little boys
▲: hey! i'm the same age!
▲: so are you!
▼: no man those dudes look like goddamn toddlers
▲: they're our age, dave!
▼: nope youre still sick egbert sorry
▼: youre jerking it to little toddler boys
▼: i am ashamed of you
▲: i'm not jerking it
▼: look at me lower my head in shame
▲: i am not jerking it to that!
▼: cant even look you in the eye any more bro
▼: so what you jerking it to the muscley dude anime
▲: no...
▼: ha man lalondes probably got you into tentacle porn or something
▲: no!!!
▼: ha ha man relax im just ribbing you
▲: why do you think i was watching junjou romantica in the first place?
▲: ...
▼: ha
▲: shit shit shit!
▼: youre fucking hilarious sometimes egbert
▼: little eggyboy the yaoi fiend
▲: sh-shut up!
▼: i am actually 100% on the money arent i
▼: i bet you hoard that shit under my bed
▼: your bed even
▲: i said shut up!
▼: nope never
▼: i will hold this over your head forever
▼: everytime were hanging out i will make a crack about this
▲: oh come on!
▼: i hope youre ready for it egbert
▲: you knew what the shows were about!
▲: explain that!
▼: i was raised by the internet bro
▼: and the puppet porn king
▼: im gonna pick some shit up
▲: yeah but...
▲: so you... haven't watched either>
▲: ?*
▼: i just jack it to normal porn like a normal dude egbert
▲: well not all of us are normal dudes...
▼: yeah thats true
▼: you are kind of a highly abnormal little dude
▲: i'm aware...
▼: im joking egbert
▼: stop pulling that little sad face i know youre pulling
▲: wh-what?
▼: i know for a fact youre looking at the screen with the most despondent little expression ever seen
▼: so cut that shit out its pitiful
▲: then... what should i do?
▼: chill out and laugh
▼: youre a little weirdo but we still all put up with you dont we
▲: yeah but! you...
▲: you know my... secret now!
▼: hardly a secret egbert
▼: you are the worst hetero theres ever been
▲: sh-shut up!
▼: i didnt even say i was watching straight porn did i bro
▲: wh-what?
▼: god connect the dots egbert seriously
▲: but... but... wait... are you...
▲: really?
▼: yeah dude
▼: well done let me give you the worlds slowest and most sarcastic applause
▼: you figure it out last of everybody ever
▲: i'm sorry! i never thought...
▲: oh man, this changes everything...
▲: the brohugs...
▲: the brocuddles...
▲: that... the... brokiss!
▼: you are so many amazing levels of dense is ridiculous
▼: i let you sit in my fucking lap you retard
▲: but i never thought...
▲: excuse me while i go slam my head into mush...
▼: no you stop that that wont get either of us anywhere
▼: so what was with you
▼: that one time i mean
▲: god, don't even start...
▲: i was so fucking nervous!
▼: i kiss you and you bolt like a started gazelle seriously bro the shit
▼: do you realise the big long string of bitching tz got over the phone for that
▲: i didn't tell you, but i threw up before i went over there...
▲: and it... oh man, i was... you know me!
▲: i freaked!
▼: i thought id fucked up bro
▼: like on a collossal scale
▲: oh my god, i'm so sorry!
▲: dave can i... can i make it up to you?
▼: if youre going to lend me shitty yaoi comics im gonna have to say no
▲: no... not like that. i um...
▲: i mean... by maybe... maybe we could do that day over?
▼: what like a date without you suddenly freaking out
▼: and a date as in a proper date not a half joking half serious bullshit thing
▲: yes.
▲: i... was that supposed to be a date?
▲: so. dense. D =
▼: you are so dense its kind of mindblowing
▼: i thought you were just being all cutesy and coy or just wasnt sure whether you liked dudes or were just generally stupid
▲: i was so stupid dave!
▲: why didn't you say anything?
▲: why didn't you stop me?
▼: because youre john im not a homosexual egbert is why
▼: and i only did the damn thing because jade told me over and over and fucking over i should at least try
▼: girl was relentless
▲: dave! if you had said... said anything! i would.
▲: i would have... i wouldn't have left!
▼: would have freaked and screeching im not a homosexul and run back to your house to cry
▲: okay, i did not screech!
▼: you kind of screeched
▼: people turned around due
▼: dude even
▲: i did not screech!!! it was... manly protest.
▲: and those were manly tears at home.
▼: oh damn you honestly did cry
▲: yes...
▲: i thought you were just... you know. messing with me...
▼: why the hell would i do that
▲: because i never know when you're being ironic or not!
▼: fucking hell egbert i sat through the entirety of fucking drive angry 3d
▼: at the cinema no less
▼: went to the food place you wanted to go to
▼: fucking let you drag me about wherever
▲: i was stupid.
▲: so fucking stupid, okay?
▲: i... i need to make it up to you, somehow...
▼: what you got in mind
▲: i don't know but... i'll do whatever you want this time
▼: you know that basically means youre going to have to browse shitty record stores for a good two hours
▲: i don't care!
▼: ill take you up on that offer egbert
▲: yay!
▲: how about right now?
▼: i was just gonna say bro
▼: open your front door already dumbass
▼: its fucking chilly out here
▲: fuck! sorry! *opens door* so umm, hi!
▼: *smirk* sup egbert
▼: so as the gentleman of the evening where are you taking me
▲: well, uhh, milady *giggles and offers his arm* where would you like to go?
▼: call me milady one more time and ill thump you *takes it anyway* and oh no i cant be giving you hints
▼: figure it out egg boy
▲: well then... the record store it is!
▼: lead the record you big gangly fuck
▼: have i ever mentioned that you somehow being taller than me is the biggest joke theres ever been
▼: the fuck is that man
▲: hey, it's not my fault!
▼: totally your fault man you made us
▲: you still look so much cooler than me...
▼: you probably messed with the ectoconsole to make yourself taller
▼: hey theres no competing with how sweet i look
▼: i am one fine motherfucker egbert bitches be jealous of you
▲: no! i swear i didn't, god!
▲: and all the bitches should be jealous of me!
▼: youre gonna get your ass mugged out here
▼: some crazy fangirl from the school is gonna try and kidnap me from you
▲: no!
▲: you're all mine!
▲: *nods decidedly*
▼: only warning you man youre already enemy number one to those lot
▼: what with all the copious amounts of personal dave bubble you invade
▲: i don't care! i'm tall, remember?
▲: and you know what i can do...
▼: oh yeah blow their skirts up
▼: cant believe you even got to keep that shit man i cant hop through time any more
▲: well, they'd leave! and you know it wouldn't be interesting for me...
▲: and hey! i'm the god here!
▲: ((Brb))
▲: ((back))
▼: yeah yeah all hail egbert
▼: creator of our world
▼: patron god of derp
▲: hey!
▼: the god who cant sort out his own romantic life
▼: what did you even do after the last one go home and bitch to karkat and seek his sagely romantic counsel
▲: ...and to vriska...
▼: and rose
▼: basically the entire fucking lot of them have been smirking behind our incompetent backs havent they
▲: i didn't talk to rose! i know she'd be all... analyzing and shit...
▼: did you run because you have issues with your father john
▲: no... i told you why i ran!
▼: im kidding egderp
▲: and don't bring up my dad... i'm trying to have fun here!
▼: yeah sorry egbert dick move
▲: nah, it's fine!
▼: glad to hear it you big nerd
▼: did you seriously just squeak because i put my hand on your hip
▲: yes! i'm sorry i'm not used to this!
▼: didnt you try a date with the spiderbitch when we all got here
▲: it ended up her bitching about tavros.
▲: that was it!
▼: man i can imagine it
▼: you trying to get her to suck on the other end of your spaghetti
▼: shes just gesturin wildly with her fork and going 8luh 8luh pupa etc etc
▲: ... we had sushi, actually...
▼: pfft
▼: youre such a pampered little kid
▼: oh for myyy first date i went for sushi with an alien
▲: oh shut up...
▼: sorry rich boy
▼: dont want you calling your butler on me
▲: i don't have a butler!
▼: you want a butler
▲: dave!
▼: i can see it written all over your face
▼: that desire to have somebody wait on you hand and foot and feed you california rolls
▲: okay, it'd be cool and all, but no!
▼: youre going red bro
▲: because did you realize you're only like, three inches from my face?
▼: nope i definitely did not notice that at all
▼: what you gonna do about it egbert
▲: ummm... *leans in so their foreheads are touching* but we're out in public!
▼: whats your point bro
▼: afraid somebodys going to go all republican on your ass and ban gay kissing
▲: n-no! *swallows nervously before kissing dave softly*
▼: *pulls him closer for a minute before letting go*
▼: see how hard was that
▼: you gonna bolt yet bro
▲: no. i'm going to take you to the record store. like i promised.
▼: man you dont have to worry so much about that
▼: do whatever you want with me bro im game for whatever
▲: but i said we'd do things for you!
▼: im giving you a free pass here egbert
▼: what do you want now
▲: uhhh... i....
▲: oh! there's a new diner opened... called 413
▲: maybe we could go there
▼: 413 seriously
▲: i know!
▼: can we expect everything in this world to reflect random shit in sburb
▼: bad enough you can buy your goddamn windy boy hoodies in store
▼: am i gonna start getting assaulted by crocs one day
▲: oh man! we should go to the zoo next time!
▲: hehehe
▼: god shit i know youd be all over the zoo
▼: youd probably be climbing in the tiger enclosure trying to hug them or whatever
▲: i would not! i only want to hug you!
▼: man i dunno youre infamous for your hugging infidelity
▼: nobody can escape john egberts hugs
▲: dave! i'm being serious!
▼: so am i man you are a hug whore
▼: you are outta control egbert
▼: oh man not the stare of death
▲: *clinghugs dave* i said. just for you!
▼: hard to walk when youre doing this man *squeezes him back lightly*
▲: *lets go, clinging back on to his arm* true...
▼: you are such a fucking derp bro
▲: and? you still for some reason like me!
▼: not a day goes by when i dont question the whys of that bro
▼: im considering going to a therapist
▼: see what horrible issues they can uncoil from my mind to figure out why im so infactuated with the derp boy wonder
▲: but then you'd leave me when you see the error of your ways!
▲: and you'd be dealing with a sad little puddle of an egbert
▼: to who man
▼: am i going to go run into terezis strong psychogirl arms
▲: hell, i don't know!
▼: yeah i can imagine that
▼: me ditching you and running to rezi
▼: her spinning me round joyously like were a couple reunited after the war
▲: she would, too.
▲: how many times did she lick you, when you met her?
▼: urgh just way too fucking many
▼: its like terezi youre cool and we be bros and stuff but like quit leaving saliva trails all over my face
▲: ewwww
▼: but what about vriska petting your hair and acting like you were her little doll for like a week when you met her
▲: brother complex, according to rose...
▼: i think we all know the spider wench has issues bro
▼: considering the competition she rose and kanaya got going on you should count yourself lucky you got outta that lovesquare
▲: yeah, i know...
▼: oh this the place man
▲: wow. yeah...
▼: whats up egbert
▼: something eatin you bro
▲: look, you can see the diner. does it look a bit like.. well...
▲: skaia to you too?
▼: egbert
▼: every time i see shit like this
▼: i try my absolute hardest not to notice
▼: like until i start tripping over random dead daves in the park i am just going to pretend the 13 of april last year was just a big crazy dream and we just acquired alien friends from it
▲: that live on earth? yeah, totally forgettable
▼: nobody else notices them
▼: you noticed that man
▲: oh. wow, no...
▼: oblivous derp
▲: not like i was paying that much attention to them!
▼: *leans up and kisses him again* clueless
▼: fucking clueless
▲: i know! *giggles and kisses him back*
▲: so, shall we go?
▼: yeah come on i cant just stand out here making you giggle like a fucking girl all day can i
▲: well, you can... but...
▲: we'll get hungry
▼: that and its requires very little fucking effort to make you swoon and giggle
▼: your hair is mad soft bro
▲: oh... uhh, thanks...
▲: hehehe
▲: shall we eat?
▼: yeah lets do it watching you gorge yourself never gets old
▲: i do not eat that much!
▼: man every time i visit you
▼: youre stuffing your face or cooking something
▲: no i'm not!
▼: you totally fucking are
▼: stop sulking and sit your ass down egbert jegus
▲: *sits, sulking a little bit*
▲: *mumbles* mnotfat.
▼: *sits across from him, prodding him in the shin with a foot* chubs
▲: *looks away, scowling* am not!
▼: pffft heh
▼: i just wanna lean over and pinch your cheeks
▲: y-you can if you want...
▼: anything to get me touching you eh egbert *cups his face with one hand*
▼: quit that adorable sulky face already you look like an idiot
▲: *still pouts, but looks at dave* well uh... *stares at menu, gulps*
▲: they uhh, serve a lot of faygo here...
▼: if they serve pies im not having any
▼: *isn't even looking at the menu* lemme guess its faygo cake pies and nachos
▲: we... should not have come here...
▼: relax its cool bro
▲: ... a 'john egburger'?
▲: we need to go...
▼: in fact its even better if were planning on not coming back
▲: no this is not cool...
▼: we can dine and dash bro
▲: they have 'strider sliders'...
▼: order a million of the egburgers
▲: mini you-burgers...
▼: ha man im having about thirty of those
▲: oh god oh man oh god...
▼: egbert relax what you gettin so freaked about
▲: this is just too creepy...
▲: *looks around, starts freaking out, pointing*
▼: huh
▼: that mascot dude does look a bit like you doesnt it
▼: shit stand next to it ill get a snap on my iphone
▼: im sure terezi would draw over it for you or something
▲: n-n-no... behind it...
▼: what i dont see
▲: lil' cal
▼: *kind of not so cooly leaps to his feet*
▼: were going
▲: good
▼: *grabs his hand and drags him out, walking faster than he'd like to admit*
▼: just when you think youve ditched that little bastard
▲: y-yeah...
▲: uhhh... maybe we should just...
▲: go to your place or something?
▼: pretty forward of you egbert
▲: i'm sorry. i'm still a bit freaked out...
▼: sure i know you fucking love my shitty little apartment
▲: hey, it's really cool!
▲: i like it better than rose's or jade's houses... too big!
▼: yeah its really classy with the mattress slammed in the corner and old tv propped up on cinderblocks
▲: it feels like home, though!
▼: i should really give you a key or something
▼: i swear you sleep there more often than your own house
▲: my dad is always feeding me that damn betty crocker cake...
▲: and... hey, you probably knew why i was there, huh?
▼: yeah
▼: to perv on me while im asleep
▲: i always fell asleep before you!
▼: you pulled the
▼: oh no dave are you changing in here
▼: i had no idea i am so sorry and not staring at all
▼: real smooth derpbert
▲: okay, the first time was an accident!
▼: the following like fucking three times
▲: four...
▼: you should be ashamed of yourself you little pervert
▼: trying to corrupt this unspoiled virgin flower
▲: i should but...
▲: hey, i'm a virgin too, thanks!
▼: i dunno man still think youre having some secret illict affair with vantas
▲: no! god, all we do is watch movies...
▼: should i call off the hit ive had put on him though
▼: then even
▲: y-you what?
▼: hey im just trying to eliminate the competition
▼: make my path to the egbert a straight smooth road
▲: dave! i've been the only bump in that road and you know it!
▼: heh yeah i do know it
▼: oh damn my building
▼: ready to climb a shitload of fucking stairs
▼: urgh so sick of this bullcrap why do the elevators never work
▲: or you know... we could cheat...
▼: what
▲: is there roof access?
▼: you gonna fly me up
▲: that would be the idea...
▼: you should just learn to go for it dude ive known you like 7 years or something
▼: dont need to act like a shy little schoolgirl about it
▲: *grabs dave and starts flying as inconspicuously as possible*
▼: bro can i admit something lame here
▼: this shit is always really fucking cool
▲: hehehe, thanks. it's good to know i can at least do one cool thing
▼: one cool thing lost in a sea of endearing goofball
▲: i know, i know...
▼: heh